Croatoan Monster
by SamwiseAtHeart
Summary: During the events of Croatoan Sam and Dean have a talk. Sam doesn't have long before the demonic virus takes effect, and he can't believe Dean won't leave, or give him his gun but would rather die at the hands of his soon to be demonic little brother.
1. Monster Victim

This is my first Supernatural fanfic, and my first fic in a long long time. I was particulary touched by this scene in Croatoan, and so I thought I'd write it from Sam's point of view. I hope you all enjoy. Comments are appreciated

The characters are not mine, nor is the actual dialogue used, that comes expressly from the show. No infringement is intended.

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**Croatoan Monster**

"I wish we had a deck of cards or a foosball table or something." He said after locking the both of us in, probably for the last time.

Why did Dean have to say something like this? Why? It's no time for a joke. He knows that I am infected with the demon virus and that in a matter of hours, or minutes, I'd turn and probably rip his head off. Dang it, he's being so stupid. It's suicide to stay with me!

"Dean, don't do this. Just get the hell out of here."

I try to convince him to leave. Can't he see that it is the only way for him to live?

"No way."

I saw the stubbornness in his eyes. He wasn't going to leave me. He would rather die with me than leave me to die all by myself. Dean…

"Give me my gun… and leave." Gritting my teeth, I managed to tell my brother my mind, despite my heart leaping with sudden fear with what I am planning on doing. I tried to tell him with my eyes that I cannot, and will not become what the doctor and sergeant fear. I fear it too. I saw the blood the nurse put into me… I would become like her and the others… I just can't do it. I would rather die by my own hand then take an innocent life as a monster.

"For the last time, Sam –- no."

He said it so straight too. How could he? I was going to be the death of him! I slam my arm on the table, I am so mad at him. Can't he see that I don't want to kill my own brother?! The tears in my eyes are obviously giving it away but he's not getting it. Can't he see I would rather pop myself in the head than to watch myself rip him to shreds and not be able to do anything about it? Why can't he just let me off myself instead of putting me through this torture? I do not want to become the killer demon Yellow Eyes wants me to be.

"This is the dumbest thing you've ever done."

I tell him. I am so mad at him for doing this to me. I do not want to be that monster!

"I don't know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa?" He shivered the joke right at me. How could he joke at a time like this when any minute I could change and rip his heart out without missing a beat? I have to convince him to leave. Now. Before I kill him.

"Dean, I'm sick." I pull out the chick flick voice. He's always had a weakness when I pull it on him. "It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you."

"No?"

"No," I insist, "you can keep going." _You have to_.

"Who says I want to?"

"What?"

I looked at him, trying to figure him out. What did he mean by that? How could he possibly not want to keep going? Would he rather be killed by his own brother, and the last thing he sees is the bloodthirsty demonic presence in my eyes? How could he want to see feral bloodlust in my eyes…? How could he want to die like that?

Dean sits down on the counter and pulls out his gun. I still wish that he'd give me mine and leave. I can not believe that he wants to die. This can't be my brother, my Dean…

"I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it."

This cannot be. Dean is not a quitter; he has never done something like this in his life. I cannot let him die. I won't let him die because of some depression he's still going through because of Dad dying. I've got to change his mind.

"So, what? So, you're just gonna give up? I wanted to yell, _you're going to let me kill you for that_? At the top of my lungs, but I didn't. "I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad—"

"You're wrong."

What? What did he mean? How could it not be about Dad? It was always about Dad…

"It's not about that. I mean, part of it is, sure, but—"

"Well then what is it about?"

What is worth dying for? Why would you rather die than live? What is it about Dean? What is it that made you lose your will to live? What is the reason you will let me become a monster?

Dean, I don't want to be a monster!


	2. Victim Monster

I closed the door and locked it, probably for the last time. You know, it's kind of hard saying goodbye to that doctor chick. She was kind of cute. No, stop it Dean, focus. You can't fool yourself. You're really finding it hard to say goodbye to the Impala.

Sam's more important than either of them though. Sam, he's my brother, he's my responsibility. Ever since I was little, Dad told me that I was to always watch out for him at all costs. When he died, he told me I was to protect and save him or I would have to…

"I wish we had a deck of cards, foosball table or something."

I faced him. I faced those eyes so full of innocence, and emotion. He's mad at me for not leaving, but he doesn't know the things that I know, the thing that Dad told me. He doesn't know how much it is eating me alive to have to be the one to-…

I know what I'm doing. I'm staying with him, even though he's infected. I'm doing what any decent person would do, stay with them until it was time for them to die. I'm going to do what I have to do to… I'm going to do it to be a good brother.

"Dean, don't do this. Just get the hell out of here."

"No way." I said instantly. I'm not going to leave him alone. I won't leave him to become a monster alone. What sort of person would I be? If he became one of them, he'd be out there killing people. I can't have him doing that. I won't leave him alone to do that. I won't let him hurt himself either. He's still my brother, monster or no… demon or no…

He looked at me, with determination, and I noted, terror in his eyes.

"Give me my gun… and leave."

Dang it Sammy No! You are not going to kill yourself. I will not allow it! Don't you know what that would do to me? I'd be an abomination! I'd fail as your brother.

"For the last time Sam – No."

I'd rather die than let you do that to yourself. I'd fail dad… I'd fail you. No. I won't let you off yourself. I'd rather wait and see if you change… when you change. If you do turn Sam, then I'd… I'd… I don't know what I'd do. Would I let you kill me? Would you really be changed enough that you could actually do it? Sammy, my other choice is to… It's something that would make me the monster if it came to that. I don't know if I can do it.

"This is the dumbest thing you've ever done."

I cringed when Sam slammed his broken hand on the table. It hurts me to see him hurt himself to make a point. As much as I don't want to admit it though, I agree with him. This is dumb, and it's suicidal. I know it, but I can't leave. I can't leave my brother to become one of them, to be an absent minded demon killer. I'd rather ki-…I'd rather di-… Dang it Sammy! How could I have let you get sick?!

"I don't know about that, remember that waitress in Tampa?

I shuddered, and deflected. That incident really was stupid, but really I just didn't want to scare Sam with my thoughts. I think he knows what I'm thinking anyways though. He knows then what I'm planning to do, and how hard it is even thinking about it.

"Dean I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you."

Yep. He knew what I was thinking. Sam pulled the chick flick voice and puppy dog eyes out. Dang it, he knows my weakness. He's making this so much harder. Doesn't he know that this is killing me just as much as it is killing him? I couldn't live with myself if he turned, and I couldn't live with myself if I were the one to pull the trigger… I'm gonna have to choose one. Both aren't ones that I'd like to choose.

"No?" Is my life not over the moment I leave the room with my brother holding a gun to his own head? Could I live after doing that? Could I live after doing it myself? Could I live if I left and he became one of them?

"No, you can keep going." His earnestness is brutal. He has so much faith in me, faith that I don't think I deserve. It's true what somebody once said. I'm nothing without my family. What would I become if I shoot my brother, my only living family? What would I become if I shoot him, or let him shoot himself? A monster, that's what.

"Who says I want to?"

I don't want to go on if that means I'll live a monster. Even if the both of us somehow make it through this alive, which I don't think will happen, I won't really be alive. I've been haunted ever since dad told me to… to waste my baby brother if I couldn't save him. I mean, what sort of father tells his son to murder his own brother?

"What?"

He asked as if he didn't know what I'm feeling. Dang it I'm just too good at hiding everything I feel from him. I sighed… I think I ought to let him see at least a little of what's going on before he… before I…

I sat down and pulled out my gun. Whichever way this is going to go, it's going down soon…

"I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it."

I'm tired of all these things happening to us. This thing Dad put on me is killing me Sam. This is just too hard to bear. I'd rather go like this, as brothers together.

"So, what? So, you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad—"

"You're wrong. It's not about Dad."

It's about you Sam, it's about what Dad told me to do to you if I can't save you. I can't save you now Sammy, and it's eating me up inside. I have to do this, I have to kill you. I just wish I didn't have to.

"I mean, part of it is, sure, but--"

"Then what is it about?"

It's about you Sammy. It's all about you and what I have to do. Whichever way I choose to do this, whether I pull the trigger myself, let you do it, or let you change and become one of them, I become something that you and I have tried to avoid. I'll become like one of them, those things we hunt. I'll become a demon… a common monster and murderer.

Sam help me! I don't want to do it. I don't want to be a monster!


End file.
